by The Parenting Centre | Nov 14, 2024 | General
DISCLAIMERS:
1) I am a pacifist. I wish for all people in the world, including everyone in the United States, nothing but peace and joy forever.
2) There are tens of millions of amazing, brilliant, socially aware humans who live in the United States, including my children.
This month’s reflection is not about parenting. It is about my accent. I felt a sense of personal responsibility to write this. It’s the first of a two-part series.
I was born in the United States and when people comment on my accent I have mixed feelings. I am proud of the fact that I took the initiative to change nationalities to become an Australian resident and citizen (and I am forever grateful to Australia!).
But I am reminded of why the U.S. always felt kind of disgusting to me, even as a child.
The United States is a country founded on the slaughter of an indigenous population, grown largely on the subjugation of people of colour and of women, and sustained by violence and intolerance. It is the epitome of capitalism; a society where one person might have 20 mansions and 100 race cars while all around them children are homeless and hungry.
Of course, most of these things exist in some measure in other countries. But the U.S. adds the especially distasteful aspect of self-aggrandisement. They are constantly tooting their own horn about “the land of the free” and “the greatest country on earth”. It is very much like a serial killer bragging about being a humanitarian.
The dogma that fuels and perpetuates the U.S. society is religion. It’s a religion of intolerance and paternalism that promotes homophobia, transphobia and justifies/glorifies violence.
The National Anthem of the U.S. actually contains this verse:
“Then conquer we must
When our cause it is just
And this be our motto
In God is our trust…”
Scary, scary stuff. Next month, a look at gun violence in the United States.
by The Parenting Centre | Oct 24, 2024 | General
When I travel, I am always struck by the hundreds of faces you get to see of people in other cultures and other situations. And I am reminded that NONE of us would ever exist if not for women. It’s a mind blowing thought but every single human being on this planet is only here because a woman went through pregnancy and childbirth. We men ought to consider being constantly honouring and respecting of the fact that our species only exists because of the physical and emotional courage of women.
Instead, we have somehow developed a culture where women continue to be marginalized. Even as we make minor changes in the patriarchy the gender biases are incredible. A mother told me today that she heard a comedian say that when a mother works she is called a “working mother”, but there are no “working fathers”; just “fathers”. Men take it for granted that women will take care of the children and men take it for granted that women will be responsible for birth control. These are at least two very tangible areas where physiology does not dictate distribution of labour or responsibility. At the very least, men could assume primary responsibility for the hard yards of parenting and we could make it an assumption that birth control is not something that women have to deal with (of course there would have to be some protection for women that men are actually being responsible about this).
I remember when my wife went through morning sickness and all the difficult changes to her body that it felt SO profoundly unfair. We conceived the baby together and yet the physiological discomfort went 100% to her. Then she was the one who had to go through child birth, and she was the one who had to breast feed the babies.
Men can be wonderful parents, and there is nothing about having a penis that dictates that we can’t be the ones to get up in the middle of the night, to change the nappies, to clean the house, to organize the groceries and doctor’s appointments. The patriarchy didn’t create human physiology, but we can take active steps to move towards a semblance of gender role equality. AND we can be constantly mindful of celebrating/honouring/respecting women.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
We’re seeing the slow rise of fascism in the U.S. as surely as the world witnessed this happening in Spain, Germany, and Italy, in the last century. Often things that happen in the U.S. come to Australia some years later. We can only hope that pattern is not repeated in this case.
Fascism is never about the single fanatical leader. It’s about the millions, or tens of millions, of people who find the message seductive. They want someone who hates people who are different, who promotes violence and division, and it’s a great bonus if they are overtly misogynistic. So for me the question comes back to WHY we find these things SO attractive – why are we drawn to hatred, violence, racism, misogyny, etc?
Since this has happened repeatedly throughout recent history, I think we have to decide if it is nature or nurture. Is it inevitable that human beings will find it seductive to follow a dictator and to embrace a platform of fear and anger? Or is the commonality the messages we give children in traditional parenting?
For me, the analysis is pretty simple. We are attracted to what is familiar because it feels comfortable. Why would it feel familiar to have someone more powerful than us tell us what to do?
Where would this familiarity come from? It’s almost the definition of traditional parenting, and in my opinion is why people love to be told what to do (or what is “right” or “wrong”) by someone they perceive as having greater power (fascist leaders, religion/cults, judges, etc .).
On a more subtle level, people are attracted to being told what to do because they don’t trust themselves. People are fearful of anyone who is different because they don’t have a strong sense of their own self worth. And where did they learn not to trust themselves and that they were not worthwhile? Traditional parenting; which is conditional, power based and inherently judgmental.
Fascist leaders in the last century were not seizing power by force; they have been voted in. It is still happening in 2024, and in my view, people are voting for what is comfortable: someone powerful telling them what to do, just like when they were children.
I think this reality can motivate us to resolve to raise our children differently. I believe that children with a strong sense of self-worth and self-trust will not find it seductive to have someone telling them what to do, and will not be attracted to appeals to fear and hatred.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This is part three of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
A helpful way to think about this issue is to think of families as the cast of a play. Everyone has a role in the production and everyone learns their lines and learns how to play their part. I’ve acted in community theatre and I know you always feel pressure to make sure you’re playing your role properly. In order to not mess the play up for the other actors in families, we play our assigned roles passionately. All of us playing our role keeps the family going just as surely as playing a role we auditioned for keeps the play going.
Living with our family, we can find ourselves slipping into old ascribed roles even if our parents are not saying or doing anything. For example, a child whose role has always been to be fearful might feel and act fearful around their family as an adult, regardless of how their family is acting in “real life”. A child who has always been seen as less than capable will not believe in their own capabilities.
If you’re the “identified patient” in your family, please know that narrative was NEVER about you, and it was never true. We can all stand in our power and capabilities and be around people who are excited by the possibilities of what we can do, how we can feel, and how we can be a positive force in the community and in the world.
Remind yourself:
“I am strong”
“I am capable”
“I can create the life I want to have”
You might need to get out of the theatre to do this, but you can quit the family’s play, and be the absolute star (and playwright) of your own story.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This is part two of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
The spider web created by toxic narratives from our family of origin is difficult to escape under the best of circumstances. It becomes almost impossible when we are still living in that toxic narrative.
For a variety of reasons, we can find ourselves as adults living with our parents. Typically, this can be uncomfortable and can remind us of how we felt about ourselves and about the world when we were children. But if we have to live full time with our parents, or on their property, it becomes something deeper and really problematic.
One of the principles of family systems theory is that sometimes a family member is identified as the problem, or unstable, or not capable. In family systems theory this is called the identified patient and the idea is that the family needs this person to be the problem in order to maintain the family equilibrium. Sometimes this can start with a child who is significantly premature or has some newborn complications, and the family understandably identifies them as fragile and is overprotective. More often, a child is identified because they are different, or they are acting out, or in some ways they don’t meet the parents’ expectations. Often the “identified patient” serves as a scapegoat, or a distraction that keeps the family from addressing real issues.
If your family of origin has a narrative that you are not capable or not stable, it is unlikely they will change that narrative. They need to hold onto it to maintain their view of you and to keep the family in balance.
If you live with your family of origin, this narrative is incredibly toxic and incredibly present. When you are strong and capable in the world the family will feel threatened and will try, consciously or otherwise, to undermine you.
I work with some awesome humans who have struggled heroically to overcome a toxic family narrative, but if they are still around their family it can be one step forward and two steps back. It is like living in a mouldy house and believing there is something wrong with your lungs. Actually, there isn’t anything wrong with your lungs; you just need to get out of that house.
In part three I’ll talk about the path to overcoming these self-beliefs once we are “out of the house”.
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