by The Parenting Centre | Feb 13, 2025 | General
As anyone familiar with my work would know, I want everyone on the planet to feel a sense of self-efficacy. I wish for all of us that what we don’t do is because we don’t want, not because we think that we can’t.
When clients have been out in the mainstream therapy world of 2024, they are often given a litany of disempowering words to describe themselves and their children. I’ve had a 10 year old tell me he can’t pursue his dream of being an engineer because he isn’t smart enough (he is); I’ve had teenagers tell me they can’t go to parties because they are “autistic” and can’t handle loud noises or crowds (they can) and I had one 5 year old say he can’t be responsible for his behavioural choices because he hadn’t had his tablet yet.
Whenever I talk to anyone (or hear in myself) the word “can’t” I immediately want to reframe it as a choice. Personally, I am an introvert, so if someone invites me to a party my immediate reaction might be “I can’t do that”. But actually I will hasten to remind myself, of course I COULD do it, I just don’t want to.
A great way to test yourself and others is what I call the ‘ten million dollar question’. The genesis of this was reading stories of people accused of a “king hit” using the excuse that “once I lose my temper, I can’t control it”, or “once I’ve been drinking, I can’t stay away from violence”. I imagined a scenario where, just before they delivered the king hit, someone offered them ten million dollars in cash if they choose not to deliver the blow. Assuming they believed they’d really get the money, would any of them find that they COULD actually stop but were choosing not to? My belief is that most, if not all, of these people would stop and take the money.
So if someone says “I can’t leave the house” or “I can’t call that person” ask them to seriously consider whether they’d be able to do it for ten million in cash. For most people, with most things, they’d take the cash. And that means they COULD make a different decision, and whatever decision they do make is a choice.
by The Parenting Centre | Feb 13, 2025 | General
Since I have devoted the last two reflections to the country I chose to leave, the United States, I wanted to devote this one to the country I chose to move to, Australia.
I want to start off by expressing my appreciation of this beautiful country and my gratitude to Australia for allowing me to relocate and to become a citizen. While racism, misogyny, intolerance and violence certainly exist here, it seems clear these are not mainstream (majority?) ethos, like in the U.S.
The year I moved here, 2008, was the year Kevin Rudd made his “apology” speech. I often talk to parents about the nature of apologizing. If a child shoplifted, they can certainly apologize to the store owner, but the apology is pretty hollow if the child doesn’t return the stolen item. Europeans stole something, and they have not returned it.
Not only hasn’t Australia been returned to its rightful owners, but the invasion and brutal expulsion of indigenous people continues to be celebrated every year. And all our mainstream institutions and social practices are Euro institutions and social practices. An indigenous man really raised my consciousness when he told me “In order to be Australian, I cannot be Jinnabarra”. The comment was a reflection on a discussion about land ownership, which was a concept brought here by Euros. If an Indigenous person wants to “own” a home they typically have to go through the Euro processes to do it. It’s like a child telling other children: “I’ll play with you, but only if we play the games I want to play and we play by my rules”.
What if your child went into Big W and stole a watch? They told the store manager they were sorry, but they kept the watch and every year they celebrated the day they stole it. As a parent, would YOU consider that to be “an apology”?
by The Parenting Centre | Feb 13, 2025 | General
If there is one thing that the rest of the world struggles to understand about the United States it is the prevalence of gun violence. I read that a mass murder (defined as two of more victims) occurs twice every three days in America. This is in sharp contrast to other countries, like ours, where years go by without any of these incidents.
The cycle is as pathetic as it is predictable. There is a horrific mass shooting; people and especially politicians lament the loss of life, and then the incident is totally forgotten until it inevitably recurs. No change actually happens because the United States doesn’t want to change. I thought I’d take a brief stab at explaining the justification, and hypocrisy, of the “gun lobby” in the United States. DISCLAIMER – I am not a historian and if you are interested I would fact check anything I write about history!
The process of incorporating the individual states into a country was not that different from the process of establishing the European Union. There were a number of autonomous entities who were geographically connected who saw many benefits (primarily financial) to incorporating into one central entity. In the late 18th century, these individual states had just fought a bloody war to get out of the Imperialistic clutches of England and were VERY wary of giving up any autonomy.
So the meetings to try to draw up a Constitution were overlaid with this overarching fear of states not wanting to lose their independence to another central government. One of the concessions in the Constitution was to reassure states they could keep their own armies to defend themselves in the event the central government tried to illegally assert authority over them. So here is what’s written in the U.S. Constitution:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
Clearly, this was referring to state militia and not individual gun owners. In an agrarian society, most people owned guns. It was not regulated and was accepted. This did not apply to individuals, and I think even a cursory understanding of the U.S. Constitution makes this clear. Certainly, the authors in the late 1700’s were not referring to, and could not anticipate, the existence of the high tech, massively destructive, automatic weapons that people can obtain with ease in the United States.
It raises the question whether people are too stupid to understand the words and intent of the Constitution, or they choose to twist the language to justify their desire to shoot each other?
It’s shocking, and it’s scary.
by The Parenting Centre | Nov 14, 2024 | General
DISCLAIMERS:
1) I am a pacifist. I wish for all people in the world, including everyone in the United States, nothing but peace and joy forever.
2) There are tens of millions of amazing, brilliant, socially aware humans who live in the United States, including my children.
This month’s reflection is not about parenting. It is about my accent. I felt a sense of personal responsibility to write this. It’s the first of a two-part series.
I was born in the United States and when people comment on my accent I have mixed feelings. I am proud of the fact that I took the initiative to change nationalities to become an Australian resident and citizen (and I am forever grateful to Australia!).
But I am reminded of why the U.S. always felt kind of disgusting to me, even as a child.
The United States is a country founded on the slaughter of an indigenous population, grown largely on the subjugation of people of colour and of women, and sustained by violence and intolerance. It is the epitome of capitalism; a society where one person might have 20 mansions and 100 race cars while all around them children are homeless and hungry.
Of course, most of these things exist in some measure in other countries. But the U.S. adds the especially distasteful aspect of self-aggrandisement. They are constantly tooting their own horn about “the land of the free” and “the greatest country on earth”. It is very much like a serial killer bragging about being a humanitarian.
The dogma that fuels and perpetuates the U.S. society is religion. It’s a religion of intolerance and paternalism that promotes homophobia, transphobia and justifies/glorifies violence.
The National Anthem of the U.S. actually contains this verse:
“Then conquer we must
When our cause it is just
And this be our motto
In God is our trust…”
Scary, scary stuff. Next month, a look at gun violence in the United States.
by The Parenting Centre | Oct 24, 2024 | General
When I travel, I am always struck by the hundreds of faces you get to see of people in other cultures and other situations. And I am reminded that NONE of us would ever exist if not for women. It’s a mind blowing thought but every single human being on this planet is only here because a woman went through pregnancy and childbirth. We men ought to consider being constantly honouring and respecting of the fact that our species only exists because of the physical and emotional courage of women.
Instead, we have somehow developed a culture where women continue to be marginalized. Even as we make minor changes in the patriarchy the gender biases are incredible. A mother told me today that she heard a comedian say that when a mother works she is called a “working mother”, but there are no “working fathers”; just “fathers”. Men take it for granted that women will take care of the children and men take it for granted that women will be responsible for birth control. These are at least two very tangible areas where physiology does not dictate distribution of labour or responsibility. At the very least, men could assume primary responsibility for the hard yards of parenting and we could make it an assumption that birth control is not something that women have to deal with (of course there would have to be some protection for women that men are actually being responsible about this).
I remember when my wife went through morning sickness and all the difficult changes to her body that it felt SO profoundly unfair. We conceived the baby together and yet the physiological discomfort went 100% to her. Then she was the one who had to go through child birth, and she was the one who had to breast feed the babies.
Men can be wonderful parents, and there is nothing about having a penis that dictates that we can’t be the ones to get up in the middle of the night, to change the nappies, to clean the house, to organize the groceries and doctor’s appointments. The patriarchy didn’t create human physiology, but we can take active steps to move towards a semblance of gender role equality. AND we can be constantly mindful of celebrating/honouring/respecting women.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
We’re seeing the slow rise of fascism in the U.S. as surely as the world witnessed this happening in Spain, Germany, and Italy, in the last century. Often things that happen in the U.S. come to Australia some years later. We can only hope that pattern is not repeated in this case.
Fascism is never about the single fanatical leader. It’s about the millions, or tens of millions, of people who find the message seductive. They want someone who hates people who are different, who promotes violence and division, and it’s a great bonus if they are overtly misogynistic. So for me the question comes back to WHY we find these things SO attractive – why are we drawn to hatred, violence, racism, misogyny, etc?
Since this has happened repeatedly throughout recent history, I think we have to decide if it is nature or nurture. Is it inevitable that human beings will find it seductive to follow a dictator and to embrace a platform of fear and anger? Or is the commonality the messages we give children in traditional parenting?
For me, the analysis is pretty simple. We are attracted to what is familiar because it feels comfortable. Why would it feel familiar to have someone more powerful than us tell us what to do?
Where would this familiarity come from? It’s almost the definition of traditional parenting, and in my opinion is why people love to be told what to do (or what is “right” or “wrong”) by someone they perceive as having greater power (fascist leaders, religion/cults, judges, etc .).
On a more subtle level, people are attracted to being told what to do because they don’t trust themselves. People are fearful of anyone who is different because they don’t have a strong sense of their own self worth. And where did they learn not to trust themselves and that they were not worthwhile? Traditional parenting; which is conditional, power based and inherently judgmental.
Fascist leaders in the last century were not seizing power by force; they have been voted in. It is still happening in 2024, and in my view, people are voting for what is comfortable: someone powerful telling them what to do, just like when they were children.
I think this reality can motivate us to resolve to raise our children differently. I believe that children with a strong sense of self-worth and self-trust will not find it seductive to have someone telling them what to do, and will not be attracted to appeals to fear and hatred.
Recent Comments