by The Parenting Centre | Oct 8, 2025 | General
Alexander the Great is reported to have said “I have met the enemy. It is I”.
I listen to a podcast series on wrongful convictions. It is hosted by three “do-gooder” lawyers who fight for social justice and freeing innocent prisoners. These podcasts highlight police and prosecutors using unethical and sometimes illegal means to get convictions. The series I just finished had a man convicted of a double murder on the testimony of a person who later admitted she was paid $12,000 by the prosecution to provide false evidence. The one I am listening to now is about a man who is on “death row” (this still exists in the 21st century in the U.S.!) based largely on the testimony of a man who was arrested for auto theft and who was told by the police they will pretend the car was found on the side of the road (not charge him) if he would lie.
As typically happens, I was outraged by the behaviour of these “bad actors”. I was listening to the do-gooder hosts’ talk about the intricacies of the American legal system and at one point, to explain why the wrongfully convicted man cannot appeal because his lawyer didn’t meet a deadline. The host said “that’s just the way the legal system works”.
At that moment I had an epiphany. It’s not the bad actors who perpetuate a corrupt system – it’s these “good guys” who validate it by working within it. If they were sufficiently outraged by a system that convicts people based on racism, coercion and lies, they wouldn’t be practicing within that system. And “good” people practicing within a system perpetuate it. It’s what keeps people from refusing to accept an inhumane system and revolting against it.
I was a “do-gooder” lawyer in the U.S. for the last three years before moving permanently to
Australia. So I know I practiced within this system and in the same way as the three podcast hosts, gave the system legitimacy by taking my place as a sort of “loyal opposition”.
Whether it’s a legal system run by corrupt racist judges and unscrupulous prosecutors and police, or a government run by a Hitler, or a Trump, or a Putin, it really isn’t the “bad actors” who are the enemy. They mean nothing in a vacuum. But when we work within it and say “this is just the way it is” we strengthen the system we criticize.
I feel I have definitely met the enemy.
by The Parenting Centre | Oct 8, 2025 | General
What is violence? Violence is defined by the World Health Organization as “the intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment or deprivation”.
If you read these reflections, you know I listen to lots of podcasts. I have been listening to a series that unfortunately includes LOTS of ads, mostly for other podcasts. One of these ads was a person speaking in a hushed, gentle, “storytelling” tone, and talking about a podcast where “everyone is welcome, and kindness is the default”. I thought these were beautiful words and found myself drawn to this idyllic world, and then she ended by encouraging listeners to get the podcast on “the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts”.
For some reason, this hit me like a punch in the gut. I don’t know how these apps are monetized, but obviously there is a commercial reason for wanting listeners to use iHeart or Apple (the third choice makes it obvious you can get the podcast anywhere). The person is talking about love and kindness and being gentle, and then wants to sell you something for a profit. It felt like violence (albeit a mild form) and I started thinking about expanding the definition of the word, or inventing a word to describe people trying to get you to do something for their benefit.
One idea would be to include “coercion” and “manipulation” the first part of the WHO definition. And then adding “emotional distress” in the list of possible harms at the end. So a proposed expanded definition might look something like: Violence is “the intentional use of physical force or power or coercion or manipulation, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, emotional distress, maldevelopment or deprivation”.
Of course, this would require people to be truthful in their marketing, and we can’t have that in a capitalist economy!
by The Parenting Centre | Oct 8, 2025 | General
If a person decides to buy a house that is perfect, except for a steep driveway, it makes no sense for them to be upset every time they come up the driveway.
Celebrate your choices, or make different ones, rather than make choices and constantly be unhappy about them or blame someone else (damn, the real estate should have warned me how much I’d hate this driveway). Wise lessons can come from many sources, including popular music. These are lyrics from a 1969 song that are really helpful in reminding me that I am responsible for my choices.
THE SNAKE (Al Wilson)
On her way to work one morning
Down the path alongside the lake
A tender-hearted woman saw a poor half-frozen snake
His pretty coloured skin had been all frosted with the dew
“Oh well,“ she cried, “I’ll take you in and I’ll take care of you”
“Take me in, oh, tender woman
Take me in, for heaven’s sake
Take me in, tender woman,“ sighed the snake
Now she wrapped him up all cozy in a coverture of silk
And laid him by the fireside with some honey and some milk
She hurried home from work that night, as soon she arrived
She found that pretty snake she’d taken in had been revived
“Take me in, oh, tender woman
Take me in, for heaven’s sake
Take me in, tender woman,” sighed the snake
She clutched him to her bosom, “You’re so beautiful,” she cried
“But if I hadn’t brought you in by now you might have died”
She stroked his pretty skin again and then kissed and held him tight
But instead of saying thanks, that snake gave her a vicious bite
“Take me in, oh, tender woman
Take me in, for heaven’s sake
Take me in, tender woman,” sighed the snake
“I saved you,” cried that woman
“And you’ve bit me, even why?
And you know your bite is poisonous and now I’m gonna die”
“Oh, shut up, silly woman,” said that reptile with a grin
“You knew darn well I was a snake before you brought me in”
“Please take me in, oh, tender woman
Take me in, for heaven’s sake
Take me in, tender woman,“ sighed the snake
Sighed the snake
by The Parenting Centre | Feb 13, 2025 | General
As anyone familiar with my work would know, I want everyone on the planet to feel a sense of self-efficacy. I wish for all of us that what we don’t do is because we don’t want, not because we think that we can’t.
When clients have been out in the mainstream therapy world of 2024, they are often given a litany of disempowering words to describe themselves and their children. I’ve had a 10 year old tell me he can’t pursue his dream of being an engineer because he isn’t smart enough (he is); I’ve had teenagers tell me they can’t go to parties because they are “autistic” and can’t handle loud noises or crowds (they can) and I had one 5 year old say he can’t be responsible for his behavioural choices because he hadn’t had his tablet yet.
Whenever I talk to anyone (or hear in myself) the word “can’t” I immediately want to reframe it as a choice. Personally, I am an introvert, so if someone invites me to a party my immediate reaction might be “I can’t do that”. But actually I will hasten to remind myself, of course I COULD do it, I just don’t want to.
A great way to test yourself and others is what I call the ‘ten million dollar question’. The genesis of this was reading stories of people accused of a “king hit” using the excuse that “once I lose my temper, I can’t control it”, or “once I’ve been drinking, I can’t stay away from violence”. I imagined a scenario where, just before they delivered the king hit, someone offered them ten million dollars in cash if they choose not to deliver the blow. Assuming they believed they’d really get the money, would any of them find that they COULD actually stop but were choosing not to? My belief is that most, if not all, of these people would stop and take the money.
So if someone says “I can’t leave the house” or “I can’t call that person” ask them to seriously consider whether they’d be able to do it for ten million in cash. For most people, with most things, they’d take the cash. And that means they COULD make a different decision, and whatever decision they do make is a choice.
by The Parenting Centre | Feb 13, 2025 | General
Since I have devoted the last two reflections to the country I chose to leave, the United States, I wanted to devote this one to the country I chose to move to, Australia.
I want to start off by expressing my appreciation of this beautiful country and my gratitude to Australia for allowing me to relocate and to become a citizen. While racism, misogyny, intolerance and violence certainly exist here, it seems clear these are not mainstream (majority?) ethos, like in the U.S.
The year I moved here, 2008, was the year Kevin Rudd made his “apology” speech. I often talk to parents about the nature of apologizing. If a child shoplifted, they can certainly apologize to the store owner, but the apology is pretty hollow if the child doesn’t return the stolen item. Europeans stole something, and they have not returned it.
Not only hasn’t Australia been returned to its rightful owners, but the invasion and brutal expulsion of indigenous people continues to be celebrated every year. And all our mainstream institutions and social practices are Euro institutions and social practices. An indigenous man really raised my consciousness when he told me “In order to be Australian, I cannot be Jinnabarra”. The comment was a reflection on a discussion about land ownership, which was a concept brought here by Euros. If an Indigenous person wants to “own” a home they typically have to go through the Euro processes to do it. It’s like a child telling other children: “I’ll play with you, but only if we play the games I want to play and we play by my rules”.
What if your child went into Big W and stole a watch? They told the store manager they were sorry, but they kept the watch and every year they celebrated the day they stole it. As a parent, would YOU consider that to be “an apology”?
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