November 2022: Questioning

One of the (countless) amazing opportunities we have as parents is we can open our children’s eyes to different ways of thinking about things.  When there is something in society that we wonder “why do people accept that without question?” we have the chance to empower our children to always question and always arrive at what feels like truth in their hearts.   And that is one of the ways parents can change the world.

I write about something specific, but this idea could be applied to virtually anything.  And it’s never about trying to force children to think a certain way. It’s about empowering them to make their own choices and find their own values about things, regardless of what society says.  I want to preface this by expressing my profound and deepest sympathy for any human being who has dealt with the loss of a loved one, no matter how it happened.

I’ve often wondered why we consider someone a criminal if they take money from a crime family to kill people they don’t know, but we consider someone a hero if they take money from the government to kill people they don’t know.  I was listening to a podcast about the armistice ending World War I, and how some soldiers died after the war ended, because the news had not reached them.   I imagine a 19 year old French teenager who has been told to kill German teenagers who wear different outfits, suddenly being told “never mind” because rich, powerful, white men have decided their interests have been met and the war is over.

In our culture we celebrate and romanticize young people who go off to fight because someone told them to.   This perpetuates a system where the rich and powerful can use human capital to try to achieve their political and economic ends. And this isn’t ancient history, as Russia/Ukraine reminds us.

We don’t have power to tell these rich and powerful people that human beings matter.   That ship has long since sailed.  But as parents, we have power to debunk for our children the idea that it is somehow noble or even “heroic” to go kill people you have no dispute with because someone else told you to do so.

If the “universal soldiers” on all sides refuse to do the bidding of others and kill on command, we might really see an end to war. The rich and powerful have proven to use time and time again they are not going to make that change, and why would they, when hundreds of thousands of young people are willing, and sometimes eager, to put on the designated outfit and follow the command to kill young people with other outfits.

October 2022: The Dark Side of Imagination

Sometimes I find myself confronted by my own ideas that I myself don’t like.  One of these times was when I contemplated the down side of imagination.

There are probably few words that have a more universally positive connotation than
“imagination”.  I would put it in a very special category with concepts like “creativity”, “passion” or even “love”.  So what could be a dark side?

I’ve often felt that humans think too much, and that the more we get lost in cognitions the less we are present to our current experience.  Years ago I started wondering where the “tipping point” was:   when did we start finding it so difficult to live in the moment?  And then, as I often do, I started thinking about children.

An infant, theoretically, is perfect at living in the moment.  It’s probably a pretty safe bet that a 4 week old is not worrying about what’s going to happen next week, or what the future holds.  They are truly in the moment and just experiencing whatever is happening for them (warmth, cold, hunger, etc.).   One of the ways that begins to change is with imagination.

The Oxford Dictionary defines imagination as “the faculty or action of forming new ideas, or images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses” (bold italics added).   There is a beautiful aspect to this and this definition conjures up images of Picasso or Beethoven. But there’s also this reality:  the essence of imagination is moving away from being in the moment and into an entirely cognitive process.  Imagination may be one of the ways we most strongly differentiate from animals, and while I am sure it provides us some soaring highs, I wonder if there’s not a cost of some very serious lows.

I love the axiom that what makes us sad is not what is, but the comparison of what is to what we think should be, or could be. If we didn’t know it was possible to have a different amount of money, we would never be bothered by not having what we perceive as enough. There’s also the axiom that anything we can imagine can be achieved. The dark side is that anything we can imagine can also possibly NOT be achieved, and then we are left suffering from something that was never real in the first place.

I want to be, and continue to be, a “fan” of the idea of imagination, but I also think these reflections are hard to avoid.

September 2022: Living Like An Animal

Humans can be very arrogant in believing we are the “superior” species on this planet. I think it’s worth questioning.

Many years ago, when I lived in a country that shall not be named, I was feeling really upset because that country was bombing civilians in Iraq. I could not get it out of my mind. When I got home I took my Golden Retriever for a walk.  As we were walking I looked at him and admired that he was not agonizing about children in Iraq. Neither of us was doing anything to actually help those children, but only one of us was allowing the news to ruin our day.  And then I thought about how humans are often plagued with thoughts about mortality and death, and that can prevent us from being in the moment. But as far as I know, my Golden Retriever was not aware of his own mortality, so he could live every moment fully, and not in the context of a finite life span. While I was thinking all this, he stopped in the middle of the street to use his mouth to scratch his private parts. I started thinking that I would never have the balls to do that (no pun intended).  So if we both had an itch, he’d relieve his but I would suffer until I got to a private place where I could scratch.

So what did all my “advanced cognitive functions” get me? I could worry about things over which I had no control. I could see every moment in the context of inevitable death, and I could be self-conscious whenever I am in public. I started to question whether human existence is really the highest form of existence to which we can aspire.

Maybe not worrying about things, living fully in the moment, and not being self conscious was a richer existence.Sure, we humans can figure out things like how to build nuclear reactors and vacuum cleaning robots, but is that trade-off worthwhile in terms of quality of life?

Maybe Darwin was wrong, at least in the case of humans.  Maybe our cognitive evolution has overshot the mark to where our thought processes are more of a detriment than an asset.

My Golden Retriever passed away years ago, but I have never forgotten that walk. If nothing helps, it keeps me humble about this “superior species” concept.

August 2022: The Door to co-Parenting

If decades of experience working with post separation co-parenting have taught me anything, it is that children want their parents to get along.  We spend SO much time, energy and money fighting about who gets how many nights, but that is really insignificant in the lives of children, compared to the enormous impact of the parental relationship.

Children typically don’t care who is “right” and who is “wrong”.  Our legal system cares, but children don’t. They want to believe Mum is right and Dad is right, and when that belief is challenged it is distressing for them. Ongoing parental conflict can compromise a child’s healthy emotional development, and reducing that conflict is the most important thing separating parents can do.

Children tend to externalize their inner conflicts, and when children are distressed it will most likely be expressed through behavior.  When separated parents are in conflict and struggling with a child’s behavior and/or emotions,  I will tell them the most powerful thing they can do is improve their relationship with the other parent. Often this is not the answer people want to hear, but improving the relationship is truly the key to successful co-parenting and to protecting our children.

In encouraging separated parents to reach out to their ex, I like to think of that as the “door” to positive and sustainable co-parenting.   At like any door, sometimes you have to knock several times before someone answers.  Often, the first “reaching out” communication is met with indifference, disbelief, or even hostility. I encourage parents to keep trying.    There is only one way towards positive co-parenting, and it is through that door.

The guiding principle of my practice in co-parenting is that children should not suffer because their parents separated. It is not their fault and it is not their responsibility, and they deserve to be protected and supported by both parents. So if you try to go through this door and get knocked back, please keep trying.   It may not be comfortable, but it’s the door to your children’s security and they deserve the best co-parenting possible.

July 2022: What We Don’t Know

I am constantly amazed at what I call “the arrogance of the Zeitgeist”.  Every generation feels they have got all the answers and see things clearly now, as opposed to the “ignorant beliefs” of the past.

I often think about how surely a person in 1600 would have stated that the earth was flat and revolved around the sun, or a person in 1750 would condone slavery, or the disenfranchisement of women.   We love to talk and to teach about all the “scientific” discoveries we have made and scoff at how people of the past were wrong on these issues.   But those people proudly talked of their achievements and scoffed at the perceived ignorance of those who came before them.

If history has taught us anything, it should be that the “facts” of the present might be the targets of scoffing in the future.

When I was in my doctoral program, we were taught that “Attention Deficit Disorder” only occurred in males, and was developmentally limited (it stopped by itself with adulthood).   If I did not answer this way on my psychopathology exam, I would have been marked “wrong”.   Of course as the diagnosis became more popular, and drug companies wanted to expand their potential markets, it was later announced that girls, and adults, could have “ADD”, and therefore be potential customers.

Whatever you think of that issue, in points out how “facts” change and things we are born and die believing may be completely discredited in the future.

When I was an undergraduate I complained to the university administration about student smoking during classes.   I was literally ushered out of the President’s office as some sort of “lunatic”.  Who would even believe that people were allowed to smoke in classrooms, or on airplanes?   It was accepted, “civilized” behavior at one time, and now is inappropriate, anti-social, and illegal.

What are the things we believe and the practices we ascribe to, that people in the future will look back and be astonished about?   We haven’t figured it all out in 2022; we just have our current beliefs.   And everytime we hear someone pontificating about the “truth” of anything, let’s try to remember that “truth” changes with time.   We have the opportunity to question everything that we “believe”, and to celebrate with wonder the reality that there is infinitely more we don’t know that what we think we do know

June 2022: Domestic Violence Part 2

Even though we never actually do anything about it, it is popular in 2022 for everyone to “speak out” against domestic violence. But this is always in the context of adults being violent with each other and usually in the context of adult men perpetrating violence against adult female partners.

But what about children?

The fact that we don’t consider traditional parenting domestic violence is prima facie evidence of the fact that our society still does not consider children to human beings.

For almost 20 years, I posed a two-part question to students in an Introductory sociology class. Part one asked them if they thought it was ever OK for an adult to use physical violence to control their partner.   Part two asked them if they thought it was ever OK for parents to use physical violence to control their children. Hundreds of students over the years responded, and almost all said “never” to the first part, but more than half said “YES” to the second part.  Of course, these were American students, and America is the most violent nation on earth, but it was still eye opening to me.

Our society cannot get its’ collective head around the idea that children are entitled to the same rights as any humans. We argue against children’s rights with much of the same rhetoric that was used to deny rights to women or to people of color.

In my opinion, any outrage about the use of violence is destroyed when we accept violence against children. And I am not just talking about physical violence. The same coercive control that we now believe defines patterns of domestic violence is a cornerstone of traditional parenting.  We threaten, we intimidate, we take things away, and we yell. This is every bit as much domestic violence as the more common picture of a man hitting or controlling a woman.

The opportunity is there for all of us to realize that we cannot control any other human beings, whether they are smaller adults, or they are much smaller children.   All we can do is react, and hopefully as parents that means reacting with kindness, respect and love. Accepting that we cannot control, and substituting love and acceptance for power, is likely to key to eliminating all forms of domestic violence.