In the course of couples counselling, intimacy and sex are often issues. I’ve noticed a trend which I think of as “libido shaming”.
Our sex drive, or libido, varies depending on many factors. Our physical health, stress, aging, and many other things can all be factors.
There are two overarching factors when it comes to libido: 1) There is no “right” or “wrong” libido. If someone tells me their sex drive is really high or really low, my first question either way is whether it bothers them. This “subjective distress” test applies to almost everything; things are only a problem if we experience them as a problem, and 2) we are not responsible for anyone else’s libido. If our partner’s sex drive is high it’s not because we are attractive and if our partner’s sex drive is low it’s not because we are unattractive. Whatever it is, it is something about them.
I’ve noticed that when intimacy is an issue partners can revert to “libido shaming”. Typically, one person wants to have sex more often than their partner. Person A may libido shame by saying something like “All you ever want to do is have sex. It’s not normal” and Person B replies with their own libido shaming: “You never want to have sex. It’s not normal”.
The reality is that while there are statistical norms for sex drive, there are also statistical norms for what percent of the population like broccoli. These “stats” are irrelevant to an individual’s libido, or their taste for broccoli. Interestingly, we would not think to shame someone by saying “Everyone else likes broccoli, what’s wrong with you?” but we do this about sex/intimacy.
Couples sometimes don’t want to face this, but most likely there is nothing “wrong” with anyone and we can just fast forward to this: Person A wants to have sex often and Person B doesn’t. Both of these libidos are fine (and “perfect” for the person, as long as they are happy with it) but it presents a relationship challenge. There are many creative solutions, or it could be a deal breaker, but let’s move away from shaming anyone for how they feel.
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