My practice focuses on helping separated parents protect and support their children. I notice every day what things are helpful in that regard, and what things are impediments to sustainable co-parenting.
Many separated parents are resistant to hearing this, but all the wonderful traits you saw in your ex at the beginning are probably still there. You are just seeing a different side, and of course when people are not together they are looking out for their own (and their children’s) best interests. If we were together and someone gave us $10,000, we would both be happy and discuss how we were going to use it.
When we’re separate and there’s $10,000, we each want all or most of it. Maybe it’s not because anyone is a villain; maybe it’s just circumstances have changed and each parent is human.
Sometimes I think the most important use of language is in how we say things to ourselves – our internal dialogue. If we “name” something a certain way that is likely to be the way we experience it.
One of the most unhelpful things in trying to support separated parents is when they “name” the behaviour of the other parent in a negative way. Most common examples of this are things like “they are a narcissist”; “they aren’t thinking of the children’s interests”, “they are unethical”, etc. Maybe it’s worth considering that they are just another human being, with lots of amazing qualities and lots of personal struggles, just like all of us. Maybe what they are saying isn’t coming from a place of them having some sort of “disorder” or distorted view of reality. Maybe they are doing the best they can, just like we are.
When separated parents are having a dispute, or in mediation, they will frequently argue that their proposal is “reasonable”. Of course we think our proposal is reasonable; it’s our proposal. Instead of arguing about who is or isn’t reasonable, I encourage separated parents to consider that both of you are being reasonable.
Maybe you just disagree, and since you are co-parenting, it is more important to focus on coming to some sort of resolution without naming or degrading the other person’s perspective.
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