This is part two of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
The spider web created by toxic narratives from our family of origin is difficult to escape under the best of circumstances. It becomes almost impossible when we are still living in that toxic narrative.
For a variety of reasons, we can find ourselves as adults living with our parents. Typically, this can be uncomfortable and can remind us of how we felt about ourselves and about the world when we were children. But if we have to live full time with our parents, or on their property, it becomes something deeper and really problematic.
One of the principles of family systems theory is that sometimes a family member is identified as the problem, or unstable, or not capable. In family systems theory this is called the identified patient and the idea is that the family needs this person to be the problem in order to maintain the family equilibrium. Sometimes this can start with a child who is significantly premature or has some newborn complications, and the family understandably identifies them as fragile and is overprotective. More often, a child is identified because they are different, or they are acting out, or in some ways they don’t meet the parents’ expectations. Often the “identified patient” serves as a scapegoat, or a distraction that keeps the family from addressing real issues.
If your family of origin has a narrative that you are not capable or not stable, it is unlikely they will change that narrative. They need to hold onto it to maintain their view of you and to keep the family in balance.
If you live with your family of origin, this narrative is incredibly toxic and incredibly present. When you are strong and capable in the world the family will feel threatened and will try, consciously or otherwise, to undermine you.
I work with some awesome humans who have struggled heroically to overcome a toxic family narrative, but if they are still around their family it can be one step forward and two steps back. It is like living in a mouldy house and believing there is something wrong with your lungs. Actually, there isn’t anything wrong with your lungs; you just need to get out of that house.
In part three I’ll talk about the path to overcoming these self-beliefs once we are “out of the house”.
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