by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
We’re seeing the slow rise of fascism in the U.S. as surely as the world witnessed this happening in Spain, Germany, and Italy, in the last century. Often things that happen in the U.S. come to Australia some years later. We can only hope that pattern is not repeated in this case.
Fascism is never about the single fanatical leader. It’s about the millions, or tens of millions, of people who find the message seductive. They want someone who hates people who are different, who promotes violence and division, and it’s a great bonus if they are overtly misogynistic. So for me the question comes back to WHY we find these things SO attractive – why are we drawn to hatred, violence, racism, misogyny, etc?
Since this has happened repeatedly throughout recent history, I think we have to decide if it is nature or nurture. Is it inevitable that human beings will find it seductive to follow a dictator and to embrace a platform of fear and anger? Or is the commonality the messages we give children in traditional parenting?
For me, the analysis is pretty simple. We are attracted to what is familiar because it feels comfortable. Why would it feel familiar to have someone more powerful than us tell us what to do?
Where would this familiarity come from? It’s almost the definition of traditional parenting, and in my opinion is why people love to be told what to do (or what is “right” or “wrong”) by someone they perceive as having greater power (fascist leaders, religion/cults, judges, etc .).
On a more subtle level, people are attracted to being told what to do because they don’t trust themselves. People are fearful of anyone who is different because they don’t have a strong sense of their own self worth. And where did they learn not to trust themselves and that they were not worthwhile? Traditional parenting; which is conditional, power based and inherently judgmental.
Fascist leaders in the last century were not seizing power by force; they have been voted in. It is still happening in 2024, and in my view, people are voting for what is comfortable: someone powerful telling them what to do, just like when they were children.
I think this reality can motivate us to resolve to raise our children differently. I believe that children with a strong sense of self-worth and self-trust will not find it seductive to have someone telling them what to do, and will not be attracted to appeals to fear and hatred.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This is part three of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
A helpful way to think about this issue is to think of families as the cast of a play. Everyone has a role in the production and everyone learns their lines and learns how to play their part. I’ve acted in community theatre and I know you always feel pressure to make sure you’re playing your role properly. In order to not mess the play up for the other actors in families, we play our assigned roles passionately. All of us playing our role keeps the family going just as surely as playing a role we auditioned for keeps the play going.
Living with our family, we can find ourselves slipping into old ascribed roles even if our parents are not saying or doing anything. For example, a child whose role has always been to be fearful might feel and act fearful around their family as an adult, regardless of how their family is acting in “real life”. A child who has always been seen as less than capable will not believe in their own capabilities.
If you’re the “identified patient” in your family, please know that narrative was NEVER about you, and it was never true. We can all stand in our power and capabilities and be around people who are excited by the possibilities of what we can do, how we can feel, and how we can be a positive force in the community and in the world.
Remind yourself:
“I am strong”
“I am capable”
“I can create the life I want to have”
You might need to get out of the theatre to do this, but you can quit the family’s play, and be the absolute star (and playwright) of your own story.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This is part two of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
The spider web created by toxic narratives from our family of origin is difficult to escape under the best of circumstances. It becomes almost impossible when we are still living in that toxic narrative.
For a variety of reasons, we can find ourselves as adults living with our parents. Typically, this can be uncomfortable and can remind us of how we felt about ourselves and about the world when we were children. But if we have to live full time with our parents, or on their property, it becomes something deeper and really problematic.
One of the principles of family systems theory is that sometimes a family member is identified as the problem, or unstable, or not capable. In family systems theory this is called the identified patient and the idea is that the family needs this person to be the problem in order to maintain the family equilibrium. Sometimes this can start with a child who is significantly premature or has some newborn complications, and the family understandably identifies them as fragile and is overprotective. More often, a child is identified because they are different, or they are acting out, or in some ways they don’t meet the parents’ expectations. Often the “identified patient” serves as a scapegoat, or a distraction that keeps the family from addressing real issues.
If your family of origin has a narrative that you are not capable or not stable, it is unlikely they will change that narrative. They need to hold onto it to maintain their view of you and to keep the family in balance.
If you live with your family of origin, this narrative is incredibly toxic and incredibly present. When you are strong and capable in the world the family will feel threatened and will try, consciously or otherwise, to undermine you.
I work with some awesome humans who have struggled heroically to overcome a toxic family narrative, but if they are still around their family it can be one step forward and two steps back. It is like living in a mouldy house and believing there is something wrong with your lungs. Actually, there isn’t anything wrong with your lungs; you just need to get out of that house.
In part three I’ll talk about the path to overcoming these self-beliefs once we are “out of the house”.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This is part one of a three part series on the powerful impact negative messages from our families of origin can have on our lives. Obviously, not everyone carries around negative messages from their families, but this series is aimed at those of us who do.
PART ONE
Every family has a narrative; a story through which the family understands itself. Members are assigned roles in this narrative, and if we are assigned a role that is disempowering it is hard to shake.
Toxic narratives from our family of origin can be like spider webs for adults. We are so entangled in them psychologically they can be almost impossible to escape.
The psychological entanglement is because we believe the lessons our parents taught us. If they taught us the alphabet, we didn’t fact check; we just accepted that’s the way it is. Similarly, if they taught us our feelings are not important, or that we are not valuable/capable human beings, we accepted that too.
As adults, even when we intellectually know some of these messages were wrong, we still can find ourselves believing them at our core. It makes sense since they were passed onto us as we were developing that core and learning of who we are. Also, even the most mature and intelligent adult may have a knee-jerk reaction to defend their parents. When we’re little we can’t entertain the idea that our parents are wrong, because our survival depends on them. Even when our survival no longer depends on them, we carry this “defence” into adult hood. Almost always, when someone is telling me about their childhood and references parents being abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable they will go into justification (“but he was brought up that way”, “but she had a terrible childhood herself”).
People defend their parents even when no one is attacking, and often part of that psychological defence requires perpetuating a negative construct our ourselves.
For example, if we grew up believing we are not ever going to “succeed” in life, we may find ourselves floundering. And if we start to succeed, we may find ourselves subconsciously sabotaging our own efforts. I may have a great relationship and “find myself” cheating; have a great job and “find myself” oversleeping and missing work or be making progress on my fitness and “find myself” eating a whole chocolate cake.
The power of these negative childhood messages cannot be overstated and in Part Two I’ll look at when this dynamic is most prevalent, and most destructive.
by The Parenting Centre | Sep 5, 2024 | General
This month’s reflection is a poem that has always had special meaning to me.
No One Else – By Elaine Larson
Someone else can tell you how to multiply by three
And someone else can tell you how to spell Schenectady
And someone else can tell you how to ride a two-wheeled bike
But no one else, no, no one else can tell you what to like
An engineer can tell you how to run a railroad train
A map can tell you where to find the capital of Spain
A book can tell you all the names of every star above
But no one else, no, no one else can tell you who to love
Your Aunt Louise can tell you how to plant a pumpkin seed
Your cousin Frank can tell you how to catch a centipede
Your Mom and Dad can tell you how to brush between each meal
But no one else, no, no one else can tell you how to feel
For how you feel is how you feel
And all the whole world through
No one else, no, no one else
Knows that as well as you!
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